Monday, April 18, 2011

Off My Chest

Life is nothing but a waiting game....

In my 25 years (almost 26) I have had happy times and I've had my share of sad times, times I've struggled and times I've gone above and beyond! But I find myself coming back to the same question: Who am I? What makes me happy? Am I happy? I know what you all are have a beautiful daughter, yes I do. I'm well aware, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect. It's far from in my opinion. I am constantly wanting and needing more. Never satisfied.

My day-to-day thought consuming list of what I want to accomplish. Sometimes I get nothing done all day because I'm too busy brainstorming another plan, another life!

a career in Photography, my own studio and clients
a boyfriend, a husband (well, husband is a strong word-I'm not sure that's exactly what I need), a family
to lose 20 pounds
a home
a puppy
a solid group of girlfriends

Sure, the list isn't very long. But it's REALLY important to me.

These things aren't unrealistic, but everyday that goes by is another day without these things in my life. I'm going to work, I'm going to school to try to better my's truly taking a toll on me; I'm stressed. Without the help of my family, I wouldn't be able to do the things I do. But I feel as though I continue to get nowhere. I try and tell myself that all my hard work will pay off in the end....well, when is that? I've been saying that for how long? It makes me sick. 

School: School has been great, but this semester I find myself with a lot of wasted time. I haven't been as productive as I feel I should be. Partially my fault, but not all. I haven't applies myself as much as I did last semester and that's frustrating. Only 3.5 weeks left!

Love: All I know is that just when I meet someone and see 'something' in them that I like, I get ahead of myself. And when my phone vibrates off my desk at work and I look down, it's always someone other than who I was hoping it would be. I am consumed by thoughts of the future...why do I do this to myself. However, this doesn't happen very frequently. Ever since Tenlee came into my life-the "dating scene" has completely changed for me. My standards are really high, and I'm very picky....I didn't realize this until I was told by some all of my closest friends. But oh well, I guess I'd rather be single than end up with some ugly loser with no personality and sense of humor! I need a guy that 'gets' me, that can laugh with me (most likely AT me), flirt with me, cuddle with me....and yes, I have mommy duties, but that doesn't mean I can't go out and drop it like its hot!?! I love to have fun! Maybe I'm not the easiest person to read, but if you're willing to listen, I'm an open-book!

Weight: A constant struggle. Like a lot of people I know, we all want to lose weight. Whether it's 5 pounds or 50, it's never easy. A year ago....I lost 40 pounds, since then I've gained 10 of that back. get that off and keep going in the right direction, I'm just lacking the motivation and feeling unhappy makes me want to crawl in a hole by myself and eat! Umm, ice cream!

A house: to call my home! I'm so over the renting. I want a HOUSE. With a garage, with a basement, a playroom and an office, with a yard for Tenlee to play, with a PUPPY! We so need a puppy, Tenlee and I love dogs! I want to have a garden! Oh how much fun would that be! One day....

Girls: I've had best friends turn into nothing and I've had someone I wasn't expecting to like, become a best friend. Girls are so unpredictable. We are crazy....yes, yes we are! I confess. However we have good logic, I swear. I want a group of girls that I can rely on. That I can call up and we all meet for dinner or go to a concert, or shit-just out for drinks! I have such a wide variety of friends (that I love). Some are single mom's (like me), some are married, single, dating etc. I know the friends that I do have would do anything for me. But sometimes I feel left out because I have a daughter. I know I can't always drop everything at the last minute, but grandma's been GREAT at helping with that! (Tenlee doesn't mind either). Ohhh......I think I need a girls weekend!

In conclusion, I honestly just needed to get this off my chest. You can only update your facebook status so much, there is so much more for you to know. I know my problems seem small to some, but I'm faced with these dark clouds every day. I just wanna be ME!


And I don't like to wait...


  1. Reading this is pretty much how I feel too Taryn! I want most of these things as well. We may live in a home, but I want our own home, a bigger roomier home w/ space & a big backyard to put a nice play set where she can run around & play. I want to loose weigh as well but always find myself sitting in a rut that does not include motiviation & when I do have the motivation I wish it would last I wish I had more self control will power to stick w/ working out to stick w/ eating healthy well semi healthy b/c we all gotta cheat at times =) I want my girlfriends to be more understanding for those who aren't more supportive for those who aren't, I love them but support me, give 2nd chances as well, I want my girl friends to not talk behind my back b/c I know some do & that's sad & hurtful. I want Adriana to have more kids to play w/ but none of my close friends/people have kids...It's hard being a mom when it wasn't expected & you're the only one out of your close friends who has one, I love her so much & wouldn't give it back for anything, I just think she sometimes is missing out, on what I'm not completely sure b/c she is in daycare so she is around other kids but none that she can go play w/ out of daycare. I want to go to school, but I don't know what I'd go for, I feel like I don't even have time to go b/c of my schedule and Chris' schedule... Life is just complicated at times huh lol =) Apparently I needed to get some stuff out too...

  2. It's normal to want more than you have; its what keeps you motivated to continue to improve yourself and those around you! Just don't forget to love the things about yourself and your life that are good (and there are many), and to celebrate the little accomplishments along the way as you work for your goals. Remember all of the people you have made an impression on (those you know, and those you don't). You certainly impress me; I could never have the creativity or energy you do about your photography and your beautiful daughter, for example.

    I totally understand the feeling of things creeping along and not feeling like you're getting anywhere, but trust me that is temporary. If we only had the ability to objectively look back at where we came from and where we were going, we'd feel much more accomplished. And just as important is the ability to enjoy the moments we have for what they are, and know that better ones are even yet to come.

    And I sound so cheesy. Sigh.