Monday, August 13, 2012

I can't believe I'm posting this.

One girl. Twenty-seven. Single Mom. She can only do so much.

I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am today. I have a good job. I put myself through school in hopes to follow my passion and be successful; to support my little family. We love where we live. Out in the country with room to run, close to family and friends…I did that. I made that possible. I have the HAPPIEST little girl in the world. Smiling. Whistling. Singing. Dancing. That’s her! That’s the Tenlee we all know and love. How could you not smile back at that pretty little face, sometimes with a crooked smile or an under-bite. She’s smart beyond her age. Asks questions she shouldn’t know the answers to. Sassy, but so forgiving. She deserves the world, and I’m trying so hard to give that to her. I want her to excel in the things she loves, give her opportunities to succeed. I don’t ever want her to doubt for a second how much her mommy loves her and that I never had anything but her best interests at heart, every day.

But right now…

I’m so scared. I’m terrified that this guy, that can somehow call himself a “dad” may waltz right into our lives after four and a half years of being close to completely absent-take that all away. No…he doesn’t want custody. Just visitation. That should tell you something right there. That he doesn’t want to commit to being a D.A.D, but he wants in enough to brag about the absolutely wonderful daughter that I’ve raised. He thinks he should get Tenlee to him self on an occasional weekend. In Illinois. Four hours away. And I think NO! Now, before I go too far…I’ll have you know that in most cases I do agree that a father should be in a childs life. Children deserve to have both a mommy and a daddy. I want Tenlee to have a dad so much…it kills me that my daughter has never been able to ride on someones shoulders and bounce around and laugh. That horse-play that a mommy just can’t give. Sometimes, mom just doesn’t cut it-ya know? She’s never had anyone to call dad, she doesn’t know what that means? And I’m sad for her. Growing up, these were things I never had to worry about. I never questioned who my dad was? Why he wasn’t around? And when I explain to Tenlee (because she wants a brother and a sister so bad) that mommy has to be in love, with a boy, and get married and then we can have a brother or a sister…she says: “well mommy, who did you marry first to have me in your belly?” She’s FOUR! She shouldn’t have to wonder these things. What do I say? I think I have my bases covered and then she throws me another curve ball. I’m sick to my stomach, I hurt for her.

Like I was saying-I do think that a father should be a part of a childs life, in most cases. But our situation is different, (I don’t really want to get into that part of it) but just trust that it is. He hasn’t been around. He hasn’t bought her Christmas or birthday presents. He doesn’t call, and he’s visited a hand full of times. He doesn’t know her favorite color, food, movie, or game to play. He’s completely clueless that she starts 4-K in less than a month. She’s an easy little girl to love. And if you know Tenlee…you know that Tenlee is the most outgoing little girl you could meet. She’s social and will generally warm right up to you and be your best bud. She’s not like that with him. He’s a stranger to her. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve her. The title. Or the time with her. He just doesn’t!

And because of this…

I cry myself to sleep. I’ve turned weak, and vulnerable and settling for things way less than I deserve. Just when I think I’ve become level-headed about the things in life that matter most, I cave. I can’t catch a break. I’m trying to make the best life for Tenlee and I that I can. I don’t want to be single forever…30 is coming up quicker than I’d like to admit. I want a man to make me happy; to be there for me, and be someone Tenlee can look up to. To love us. To treat us the way we deserve. Maybe I’ve truly been making something out of nothing for the past year and a half.
♪But I’m done hoping that we can work it out. I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels. Letting you drag my heart around. I’m done thinking that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger♪

This guy. He is great. He really is. I love him. Tenlee loves him. He’s amazing with her, and he’s temporarily filled that little void in both our lives. I could go on about all the good and he deserves it too. I’ve wanted so bad, for so long to call him mine. For him to call me, his. But I just don’t think it’s ever gonna happen and I’m so….I’m so sad. I’m realizing that I can’t make this happen. I can’t change things. And it shouldn’t be this hard. He should want it just as bad as I do. He should want to take me out and show me off. Brag about me, or bitch about me…I don’t even care. But at least let the world know I’m his. If letting him go is "right", then why does it feel so wrong?
I’m not asking for forever, just today…and hopefully tomorrow! 

I’m hurting inside. For me, for Tenlee…for the mess I’ve created.

P.S. I’m 3 cups of coffee deep and running on 4 hours of sleep. I might be a mess.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Visiting Payton!

For all my aunts that DON'T have facebook! Here are a few pictures I took of Payton Leigh last night. We are still planning on doing a "formal" newborn photo session, but when we were visiting last night...I just couldn't resist to snap a few!! Check'em out!

Tenlee and Payton- 4 1/2 years apart!!


This just melts my heart!!

She's beautiful!!! Welcome to the family!!