I can't believe I'm posting this.

One girl. Twenty-seven. Single Mom. She can only do so much.

I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am today. I have a good job. I put myself through school in hopes to follow my passion and be successful; to support my little family. We love where we live. Out in the country with room to run, close to family and friends…I did that. I made that possible. I have the HAPPIEST little girl in the world. Smiling. Whistling. Singing. Dancing. That’s her! That’s the Tenlee we all know and love. How could you not smile back at that pretty little face, sometimes with a crooked smile or an under-bite. She’s smart beyond her age. Asks questions she shouldn’t know the answers to. Sassy, but so forgiving. She deserves the world, and I’m trying so hard to give that to her. I want her to excel in the things she loves, give her opportunities to succeed. I don’t ever want her to doubt for a second how much her mommy loves her and that I never had anything but her best interests at heart, every day.

But right now…

I’m so scared. I’m terrified that this guy, that can somehow call himself a “dad” may waltz right into our lives after four and a half years of being close to completely absent-take that all away. No…he doesn’t want custody. Just visitation. That should tell you something right there. That he doesn’t want to commit to being a D.A.D, but he wants in enough to brag about the absolutely wonderful daughter that I’ve raised. He thinks he should get Tenlee to him self on an occasional weekend. In Illinois. Four hours away. And I think NO! Now, before I go too far…I’ll have you know that in most cases I do agree that a father should be in a childs life. Children deserve to have both a mommy and a daddy. I want Tenlee to have a dad so much…it kills me that my daughter has never been able to ride on someones shoulders and bounce around and laugh. That horse-play that a mommy just can’t give. Sometimes, mom just doesn’t cut it-ya know? She’s never had anyone to call dad, she doesn’t know what that means? And I’m sad for her. Growing up, these were things I never had to worry about. I never questioned who my dad was? Why he wasn’t around? And when I explain to Tenlee (because she wants a brother and a sister so bad) that mommy has to be in love, with a boy, and get married and then we can have a brother or a sister…she says: “well mommy, who did you marry first to have me in your belly?” She’s FOUR! She shouldn’t have to wonder these things. What do I say? I think I have my bases covered and then she throws me another curve ball. I’m sick to my stomach, I hurt for her.

Like I was saying-I do think that a father should be a part of a childs life, in most cases. But our situation is different, (I don’t really want to get into that part of it) but just trust that it is. He hasn’t been around. He hasn’t bought her Christmas or birthday presents. He doesn’t call, and he’s visited a hand full of times. He doesn’t know her favorite color, food, movie, or game to play. He’s completely clueless that she starts 4-K in less than a month. She’s an easy little girl to love. And if you know Tenlee…you know that Tenlee is the most outgoing little girl you could meet. She’s social and will generally warm right up to you and be your best bud. She’s not like that with him. He’s a stranger to her. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve her. The title. Or the time with her. He just doesn’t!

And because of this…

I cry myself to sleep. I’ve turned weak, and vulnerable and settling for things way less than I deserve. Just when I think I’ve become level-headed about the things in life that matter most, I cave. I can’t catch a break. I’m trying to make the best life for Tenlee and I that I can. I don’t want to be single forever…30 is coming up quicker than I’d like to admit. I want a man to make me happy; to be there for me, and be someone Tenlee can look up to. To love us. To treat us the way we deserve. Maybe I’ve truly been making something out of nothing for the past year and a half.

♪But I’m done hoping that we can work it out. I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels. Letting you drag my heart around. I’m done thinking that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger♪

This guy. He is great. He really is. I love him. Tenlee loves him. He’s amazing with her, and he’s temporarily filled that little void in both our lives. I could go on about all the good and he deserves it too. I’ve wanted so bad, for so long to call him mine. For him to call me, his. But I just don’t think it’s ever gonna happen and I’m so….I’m so sad. I’m realizing that I can’t make this happen. I can’t change things. And it shouldn’t be this hard. He should want it just as bad as I do. He should want to take me out and show me off. Brag about me, or bitch about me…I don’t even care. But at least let the world know I’m his. If letting him go is "right", then why does it feel so wrong?
I’m not asking for forever, just today…and hopefully tomorrow! 

I’m hurting inside. For me, for Tenlee…for the mess I’ve created.

P.S. I’m 3 cups of coffee deep and running on 4 hours of sleep. I might be a mess.

Off My Chest

Life is nothing but a waiting game....

In my 25 years (almost 26) I have had happy times and I've had my share of sad times, times I've struggled and times I've gone above and beyond! But I find myself coming back to the same question: Who am I? What makes me happy? Am I happy? I know what you all are thinking...you have a beautiful daughter, yes I do. I'm well aware, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect. It's far from in my opinion. I am constantly wanting and needing more. Never satisfied.

My day-to-day thought consuming list of what I want to accomplish. Sometimes I get nothing done all day because I'm too busy brainstorming another plan, another life!

a career in Photography, my own studio and clients

a boyfriend, a husband (well, husband is a strong word-I'm not sure that's exactly what I need), a family

to lose 20 pounds

a home

a puppy

a solid group of girlfriends

Sure, the list isn't very long. But it's REALLY important to me.

These things aren't unrealistic, but everyday that goes by is another day without these things in my life. I'm going to work, I'm going to school to try to better my life...it's truly taking a toll on me; I'm stressed. Without the help of my family, I wouldn't be able to do the things I do. But I feel as though I continue to get nowhere. I try and tell myself that all my hard work will pay off in the end....well, when is that? I've been saying that for how long? It makes me sick. 

School: School has been great, but this semester I find myself with a lot of wasted time. I haven't been as productive as I feel I should be. Partially my fault, but not all. I haven't applies myself as much as I did last semester and that's frustrating. Only 3.5 weeks left!

Love: All I know is that just when I meet someone and see 'something' in them that I like, I get ahead of myself. And when my phone vibrates off my desk at work and I look down, it's always someone other than who I was hoping it would be. I am consumed by thoughts of the future...why do I do this to myself. However, this doesn't happen very frequently. Ever since Tenlee came into my life-the "dating scene" has completely changed for me. My standards are really high, and I'm very picky....I didn't realize this until I was told by some all of my closest friends. But oh well, I guess I'd rather be single than end up with some ugly loser with no personality and sense of humor! I need a guy that 'gets' me, that can laugh with me (most likely AT me), flirt with me, cuddle with me....and yes, I have mommy duties, but that doesn't mean I can't go out and drop it like its hot!?! I love to have fun! Maybe I'm not the easiest person to read, but if you're willing to listen, I'm an open-book!

Weight: A constant struggle. Like a lot of people I know, we all want to lose weight. Whether it's 5 pounds or 50, it's never easy. A year ago....I lost 40 pounds, since then I've gained 10 of that back. Now...to get that off and keep going in the right direction, I'm just lacking the motivation and feeling unhappy makes me want to crawl in a hole by myself and eat! Umm, ice cream!

A house: to call my home! I'm so over the renting. I want a HOUSE. With a garage, with a basement, a playroom and an office, with a yard for Tenlee to play, with a PUPPY! We so need a puppy, Tenlee and I love dogs! I want to have a garden! Oh how much fun would that be! One day....

Girls: I've had best friends turn into nothing and I've had someone I wasn't expecting to like, become a best friend. Girls are so unpredictable. We are crazy....yes, yes we are! I confess. However we have good logic, I swear. I want a group of girls that I can rely on. That I can call up and we all meet for dinner or go to a concert, or shit-just out for drinks! I have such a wide variety of friends (that I love). Some are single mom's (like me), some are married, single, dating etc. I know the friends that I do have would do anything for me. But sometimes I feel left out because I have a daughter. I know I can't always drop everything at the last minute, but grandma's been GREAT at helping with that! (Tenlee doesn't mind either). Ohhh......I think I need a girls weekend!

In conclusion, I honestly just needed to get this off my chest. You can only update your facebook status so much, there is so much more for you to know. I know my problems seem small to some, but I'm faced with these dark clouds every day. I just wanna be ME!

Life=Waiting 

And I don't like to wait...

In Studio: Portrait Emulation Assignment

This is the portrait I found online that I wanted to emulate.

This the what I was able to get outta Miss T!

How did I do?

Student vs Mommy (a must read)

I am a single mom. 

I am a Photography student, at MATC. 

And I have been beyond stressed and rushed and frustrated in the past few weeks. 

Cramming for final exams, projects and presentations. Of course I save my presentation for the LAST night before it's due. STRESS? Yeah, but like I learned in Psychology. Some people need stress to be productive. Some people like to procrastinate, and really buckle down at the last minute and put all their blood, sweat and tears into it. 

Then...BOOM! It's done, it's over. 

Instant bright cloud over my head-TAKE THAT WORLD! 

I love the challenge!

So, it's my last night of homework....for the year! Every moment in the night revolves around Tenlee. We slide home from work and daycare-taking 35 minutes to travel approx. 3.5 miles. Tenlee says: "Mom, wet's go....c'mon cars!" I try to explain the snow and the ice and that everyone else is trying to get home too. She doesn't care. Are you kidding me? She wants a snack! We get home, we get the mail, we hardly have our boots off and it's "Mama, hurry....I hungry!" She runs to plug in the Christmas tree (yes, it was the very first thing she did-besides open the refrigerator of course). I have no idea where she picks up those habits?!? I unload the dishwasher, help put groceries away and start to make dinner. Tenlee preoccupied with throwing balls all throughout the house. We eat, we clean up, we cuddle and we giggle. Just like that-it's bedtime. And I have one unhappy little girl. We read a story. I say good-nite. We give kisses and hugs and kisses and hugs! Ok, one last kiss with a BIG I love you!

Alright, ok! I beeline it to my office, I mean bedroom slash storage unit slash big ole pit of laundry that needs to get done. I start to type. I must have been sitting there for a good half-hour uninterrupted. When just like that I hear: "Mama, I have ta as(s) you a question"? 

What, Tenlee!?

She just stands there......

Those rosy red - I really am tired cheeks!

I look over and this is where she was..... 

What a little stinker!

And this is where she should be.....

Tucked in bed!

Sweet Dreams!

Now...I am off to cuddle with the cutest little girl on Earth!

There isn't enough homework in the world that could keep me away!