I can't believe I'm posting this.

One girl. Twenty-seven. Single Mom. She can only do so much.

I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am today. I have a good job. I put myself through school in hopes to follow my passion and be successful; to support my little family. We love where we live. Out in the country with room to run, close to family and friends…I did that. I made that possible. I have the HAPPIEST little girl in the world. Smiling. Whistling. Singing. Dancing. That’s her! That’s the Tenlee we all know and love. How could you not smile back at that pretty little face, sometimes with a crooked smile or an under-bite. She’s smart beyond her age. Asks questions she shouldn’t know the answers to. Sassy, but so forgiving. She deserves the world, and I’m trying so hard to give that to her. I want her to excel in the things she loves, give her opportunities to succeed. I don’t ever want her to doubt for a second how much her mommy loves her and that I never had anything but her best interests at heart, every day.

But right now…

I’m so scared. I’m terrified that this guy, that can somehow call himself a “dad” may waltz right into our lives after four and a half years of being close to completely absent-take that all away. No…he doesn’t want custody. Just visitation. That should tell you something right there. That he doesn’t want to commit to being a D.A.D, but he wants in enough to brag about the absolutely wonderful daughter that I’ve raised. He thinks he should get Tenlee to him self on an occasional weekend. In Illinois. Four hours away. And I think NO! Now, before I go too far…I’ll have you know that in most cases I do agree that a father should be in a childs life. Children deserve to have both a mommy and a daddy. I want Tenlee to have a dad so much…it kills me that my daughter has never been able to ride on someones shoulders and bounce around and laugh. That horse-play that a mommy just can’t give. Sometimes, mom just doesn’t cut it-ya know? She’s never had anyone to call dad, she doesn’t know what that means? And I’m sad for her. Growing up, these were things I never had to worry about. I never questioned who my dad was? Why he wasn’t around? And when I explain to Tenlee (because she wants a brother and a sister so bad) that mommy has to be in love, with a boy, and get married and then we can have a brother or a sister…she says: “well mommy, who did you marry first to have me in your belly?” She’s FOUR! She shouldn’t have to wonder these things. What do I say? I think I have my bases covered and then she throws me another curve ball. I’m sick to my stomach, I hurt for her.

Like I was saying-I do think that a father should be a part of a childs life, in most cases. But our situation is different, (I don’t really want to get into that part of it) but just trust that it is. He hasn’t been around. He hasn’t bought her Christmas or birthday presents. He doesn’t call, and he’s visited a hand full of times. He doesn’t know her favorite color, food, movie, or game to play. He’s completely clueless that she starts 4-K in less than a month. She’s an easy little girl to love. And if you know Tenlee…you know that Tenlee is the most outgoing little girl you could meet. She’s social and will generally warm right up to you and be your best bud. She’s not like that with him. He’s a stranger to her. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve her. The title. Or the time with her. He just doesn’t!

And because of this…

I cry myself to sleep. I’ve turned weak, and vulnerable and settling for things way less than I deserve. Just when I think I’ve become level-headed about the things in life that matter most, I cave. I can’t catch a break. I’m trying to make the best life for Tenlee and I that I can. I don’t want to be single forever…30 is coming up quicker than I’d like to admit. I want a man to make me happy; to be there for me, and be someone Tenlee can look up to. To love us. To treat us the way we deserve. Maybe I’ve truly been making something out of nothing for the past year and a half.

♪But I’m done hoping that we can work it out. I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels. Letting you drag my heart around. I’m done thinking that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger♪

This guy. He is great. He really is. I love him. Tenlee loves him. He’s amazing with her, and he’s temporarily filled that little void in both our lives. I could go on about all the good and he deserves it too. I’ve wanted so bad, for so long to call him mine. For him to call me, his. But I just don’t think it’s ever gonna happen and I’m so….I’m so sad. I’m realizing that I can’t make this happen. I can’t change things. And it shouldn’t be this hard. He should want it just as bad as I do. He should want to take me out and show me off. Brag about me, or bitch about me…I don’t even care. But at least let the world know I’m his. If letting him go is "right", then why does it feel so wrong?
I’m not asking for forever, just today…and hopefully tomorrow! 

I’m hurting inside. For me, for Tenlee…for the mess I’ve created.

P.S. I’m 3 cups of coffee deep and running on 4 hours of sleep. I might be a mess.

Livin' the Lake Life @ The Cottage (Thanks GnG)

Being: MOM!

I love being a mom. But to be honest, it's really hard work! (and I know as my mom reads this, she's saying: Well...ya! Now you know what I've gone through with you kids). I know, I know! Thanks mom!

Being a mom, isn't just BEING there.

 You have to completely interact. 

You have to plan everything in advance. 

Being a mom, everything takes twice as long. 

Going on vacation, isn't always vacation. 

Going out to dinner or even the grocery store isn't ever "quick".

A mom's calendar is NEVER "open". 

Free time...forget it! (unless you scheduled about 2 months in advance)

We are constantly making appointments.

Going to appointments, and I'm not talking pedicures here....

 Getting the call: "you're baby is sick and needs to be picked up".

Now, let's put SINGLE mom in front of all this!

Is it really that different?

A mom, whether single of not....does all the above!

Ain't gonna lie. She does.

But, when that single mommy wants that pedicure, 

who's there to watch the baby?

No one.

Going to the grocery store by myself?

Unheard of.

Come home from work and plop on the couch?

Yeah right! "Mama, I hungry".


It's allll me.

After baby goes to bed at night.

SOLO!

Everyone always says, you are never really alone when you have a kid...

Truth is:

I am.

Sometimes it's really nice.

Sometimes I feel like a loser.

Sometimes I enjoy relaxing.

Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I long for those Sunday evening cuddles on the couch.
Sometimes I shut my eyes and wonder what went wrong.

...Friends...Adult Interaction...Hellooooo...


Sometimes I forget what that's like.

BUT, then I look into those glossy little brown eyes of my baby girl and realize that being a mom is really great too!

I get to do things I haven't done since I was young.
Have fun at Chuck-E-Cheese again.
Watch Disney movies.
Easter egg hunts, trick-or-treating, and fireworks!
Christmas is fun and exciting again, and it really is true:
Giving is better than receiving!
The joy on her face Christmas morning tearing into presents, almost brought me to tears. 
Did I mention there is always candy in the house? There is! =)
Go to the zoo or on a picnic.




And the real truth is-I'm happy with her. And if it's just me and her forever...I'm ok with that because we have love for one another that I could never describe. That I could never replace. We don't "work" at being happy...we just are. It takes no convincing... I love being able to take care of her. She makes me feel like I belong, like I was put on Earth to take care of her. She's a mini-me... and I think I can handle that!

Oh Tenlee...you're going to be 4 in just a few days!
(May you stay....forever young)


Mommy loves you!

Boy vs. Man

Boys play house. Men build homes!!!

Boys shack up. Men get married!!! 

Boys make babies. Men raise children!!! 

A boy won't raise his own children. A man will raise his and someone else's. 

Boys invent excuses for failure. Men produce strategies for success!!! 

Boys look for somebody to take care of them. Men look for someone to take 

care of!!! 

Boys seek popularity. Men earn respect by knowing how to give it!!! 

Boys quit and walk away when things get hard. 

Men will promise to love you through it all.

I need a MAN!

Chin up, chicky!

I thought the way the world worked was that-

you couldn't miss something, you never really had.

But I do. 

I'm sad.

*Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game*

(think about it)

Because we can!

If we want to take pictures of ourselves.....

 We can!

 Because we're silly like that....

....and we're cute like that!!!

Because we love each other like that!

XoXoXo

Type: Taryn!

*TARYN*

I'm the type of girl that talks a lot.

I like to sing.

I like to dance.

I like to have a good time.


I'm the type of girls the loves to flirt.
But I'm not a S---.
I'm a lover.
Not a hater.

I'm the type of girl that you can always come to for advice.

You can always talk to me.

I will always listen.

But not at the bar...I'm there to have a good time-call me on Tuesday.

I'm the type of girl that won't lie.

It's not worth it. So don't hurt me.

You mess with the bull, 

You get the horns. Rawr!

I'm the type of girl that you WON'T find at the mall-ever!

On Sunday's...I watch football!

Am I watching the Bachelorette? 

Hell NO-the Brewer's are on!


I'm the type of girl you can find in the kitchen.
Not just eating....but I love to cook.
And bake.
I love chocolate.

I'm the type of girl that could eat ICE CREAM for every meal.

Really....it's true!

I don't run.

Everything moves but my legs. But I try.

I'm the type of girl that doesn't take no for an answer.

I'm opinionated...

I say what I want.

I sometimes speak before I think. (but I still think I'm right)

I'm the type of girl that likes a clean house.

I'm pretty organized.

I'm very particular.

Don't try to change that.

I'm the type of girl that doesn't need to shower everyday.

I don't need to wear makeup, but I do.

Brand names aren't important.

Put me in shorts and a sweatshirt and I'm a happy camper.

I'm the type of girl that is sometimes strange.

Call me crazy but, I love Q-tips.

I hate Nacho/Slimy/Processed/Fake cheese. (oh god, I just gagged)

Chickens and Butterflies scare me.

I'm the type of girl that is sometimes inappropriate.

And I love every minute of it.

It makes me laugh.

And it makes you laugh too! (promise)

I'm the type of girl that works hard for what I have.

I don't expect favors.

Nothing is free.

Work...really isn't for me!

I'm the type of girl that has the MOST love.

I'm not perfect-but I'm fun.

My friends and family are my world.

But I'm just ME!

How can you argue with that?

#RealDeal!

Oprah Nails It!

Although I don't watch Oprah on a regular basis, I have caught the show from time to time. Heck, I didn't even watch her last one (I heard it was good).  I found this and I knew I needed to share these words of wisdom with you!

On our real ‘job’ in life:

"What I knew for sure from this experience with you is that we are all called. Everybody has a calling, and your real job in life is to figure out what that is and get about the business of doing it. Every time we have seen a person on this stage who is a success in their life, they spoke of the job, and they spoke of the juice that they receive from doing what they knew they were meant to be doing. We saw it in the volunteers who rocked abandoned babies in Atlanta. We saw it with those lovely pie ladies from Cape Cod making those delicious potpies. … We saw it every time Tina Turner, Celine, Bocelli or Lady Gaga lit up the stage with their passion. Because that is what a calling is. It lights you up and it lets you know that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing. And that is what I want for all of you and hope that you will take from this show. To live from the heart of yourself. You have to make a living; I understand that. But you also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you, in your own way, can illuminate the world." ~Oprah

A universal desire:

"I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’ ~Oprah

You can read the full transcript and watch a video clip on the Oprah website.


:) GO FOR IT! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? (:

These quotes really speak to me, like she's mothering me...they are so powerful. I want to be SOMEBODY! I'm not going to let anything or anyone get in the way of that. I'm going to be ME. Do what makes me 'sparkle'. I might not be the best singer...or dancer-but anyone that knows me, knows I can go to town and I LOVE it! That's the ME I want everyone to know. I want to be that happy all the time. Crazy. Fun. Outgoing. I'm not shy-I don't want to be. I always have something to say and I can always make you laugh. BUT. Sometimes I lose myself. Sometimes the world seems wrong. Sometimes life is too hard. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing-but then I remember I have my true friends to make me shine again! A daughter that lights up a room no matter where she goes. You can see her karaoke here. And a family that is supporting me in everything I do and dream of. I will be that somebody....someday!

"Sometimes I feel like Jesse James, still trying to make a name-knowing nothings going to change what I am"

In the past few months I have learned a lot about myself. There has been many changes in my life. I think I'm finally starting to figure out what's really important in life, it's like I'm growing up...but don't worry, ya'll-I'm still having plenty of fun! I think all these changes are for the better. However, I still feel like I do a lot of GIVING....just to get nothing back! 

More to come on that later....

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!!

Off My Chest

Life is nothing but a waiting game....

In my 25 years (almost 26) I have had happy times and I've had my share of sad times, times I've struggled and times I've gone above and beyond! But I find myself coming back to the same question: Who am I? What makes me happy? Am I happy? I know what you all are thinking...you have a beautiful daughter, yes I do. I'm well aware, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect. It's far from in my opinion. I am constantly wanting and needing more. Never satisfied.

My day-to-day thought consuming list of what I want to accomplish. Sometimes I get nothing done all day because I'm too busy brainstorming another plan, another life!

a career in Photography, my own studio and clients

a boyfriend, a husband (well, husband is a strong word-I'm not sure that's exactly what I need), a family

to lose 20 pounds

a home

a puppy

a solid group of girlfriends

Sure, the list isn't very long. But it's REALLY important to me.

These things aren't unrealistic, but everyday that goes by is another day without these things in my life. I'm going to work, I'm going to school to try to better my life...it's truly taking a toll on me; I'm stressed. Without the help of my family, I wouldn't be able to do the things I do. But I feel as though I continue to get nowhere. I try and tell myself that all my hard work will pay off in the end....well, when is that? I've been saying that for how long? It makes me sick. 

School: School has been great, but this semester I find myself with a lot of wasted time. I haven't been as productive as I feel I should be. Partially my fault, but not all. I haven't applies myself as much as I did last semester and that's frustrating. Only 3.5 weeks left!

Love: All I know is that just when I meet someone and see 'something' in them that I like, I get ahead of myself. And when my phone vibrates off my desk at work and I look down, it's always someone other than who I was hoping it would be. I am consumed by thoughts of the future...why do I do this to myself. However, this doesn't happen very frequently. Ever since Tenlee came into my life-the "dating scene" has completely changed for me. My standards are really high, and I'm very picky....I didn't realize this until I was told by some all of my closest friends. But oh well, I guess I'd rather be single than end up with some ugly loser with no personality and sense of humor! I need a guy that 'gets' me, that can laugh with me (most likely AT me), flirt with me, cuddle with me....and yes, I have mommy duties, but that doesn't mean I can't go out and drop it like its hot!?! I love to have fun! Maybe I'm not the easiest person to read, but if you're willing to listen, I'm an open-book!

Weight: A constant struggle. Like a lot of people I know, we all want to lose weight. Whether it's 5 pounds or 50, it's never easy. A year ago....I lost 40 pounds, since then I've gained 10 of that back. Now...to get that off and keep going in the right direction, I'm just lacking the motivation and feeling unhappy makes me want to crawl in a hole by myself and eat! Umm, ice cream!

A house: to call my home! I'm so over the renting. I want a HOUSE. With a garage, with a basement, a playroom and an office, with a yard for Tenlee to play, with a PUPPY! We so need a puppy, Tenlee and I love dogs! I want to have a garden! Oh how much fun would that be! One day....

Girls: I've had best friends turn into nothing and I've had someone I wasn't expecting to like, become a best friend. Girls are so unpredictable. We are crazy....yes, yes we are! I confess. However we have good logic, I swear. I want a group of girls that I can rely on. That I can call up and we all meet for dinner or go to a concert, or shit-just out for drinks! I have such a wide variety of friends (that I love). Some are single mom's (like me), some are married, single, dating etc. I know the friends that I do have would do anything for me. But sometimes I feel left out because I have a daughter. I know I can't always drop everything at the last minute, but grandma's been GREAT at helping with that! (Tenlee doesn't mind either). Ohhh......I think I need a girls weekend!

In conclusion, I honestly just needed to get this off my chest. You can only update your facebook status so much, there is so much more for you to know. I know my problems seem small to some, but I'm faced with these dark clouds every day. I just wanna be ME!

Life=Waiting 

And I don't like to wait...

Us women...we have ONE flaw!

God doesn't give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED... to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. 

One Flaw In Women 

Women have strengths that amaze men..... 

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, 

but they hold happiness, love and joy. 

They smile when they want to scream. 

They sing when they want to cry. 

They cry when they are happy 

and laugh when they are nervous. 

They fight for what they believe in.. 

They stand up to injustice. 

They don't take "no" for an answer 

when they believe there is a better solution. 

They go without so their family can have. 

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. 

They love unconditionally. 

They cry when their children excel 

and cheer when their friends get awards. 

They are happy when they hear about 

a birth or a wedding. 

Their hearts break when a friend dies. 

They grieve at the loss of a family member, 

yet they are strong when they 

think there is no strength left. 

They know that a hug and a kiss 

can heal a broken heart. 

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. 

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you 

to show how much they care about you. 

The heart of a woman is what 

makes the world keep turning. 

They bring joy, hope and love. 

They have compassion and ideas. 

They give moral support to their 

family and friends. 

Women have vital things to say 

and everything to give.. 

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, 

  

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.  

Always say 'I love you'

To say the least, mornings are rough at my house. 
They look nothing like this....

Without going into much detail-I got really mad at Tenlee the other morning. I dropped her off at daycare and didn't say good-bye, I love you, or give her a hug/kiss. I just walked out.

I was so angry...afterward I stopped at PDQ for a soda and a cookie, and cried the whole way to school thinking about how mean of a mom I was. I couldn't help but think I was going to die that day. And I'd be gone, and never get a chance to say those words again, that she wouldn't know I loved her because I stormed out without acknowledging her. I beat myself up all day because I 'left' like that. But it got me thinking....

That night, I picked her up and we had a great night together. And we talked about what happened earlier that day. She looks up at me, with those glossy little tired eyes and says: I be good so I can have a hug and a kiss! It hurt me, but it also made me realize that she understood what had happened that day. The concepts that little girl can grasp are incredible.

Everything went MUCH more smoothly this morning. (And I didn't die, and she still loves her mommy). Mornings are so stressful for me. We leave the house nearly every morning before 7am, and I'm always in a rush. I know it's partially my fault because I don't allow enough time in the morning, but she's never ready to go and never wants to walk. She's almost 3...I can't carry you all the time, child. Especially juggling a backpack, a diaper bag, our lunches, a phone, keys and any other random toy/movie/blanket she demands to take with her for the day.

Anyway-I learned my lesson, and I'm positive I will NEVER leave her again without a hug, a kiss and an I LOVE YOU! Because when I go to pick her up at night....the best feeling a mom can get is when my daughter, that I've missed all day, screams: Mama! And comes running in my direction! My heart melts and puts a big smile on my face. Nothing else matters.

Do your parents tell you they love you? Mine don't....for as long as I can remember, they haven't. And I don't like it. I know my parents love me, and they know I love them-why can't we say it? But after 25 years of not, its hard to say it. 

I want Tenlee to always tell me she loves me, and I will make it a point to do the same.

I LOVE YOU TENLEE!